If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I am in a cutting phase with my body goals….
If you are new here or have no idea who I am then in true Missy Elliot fashion please PUT YO THING DOWN, FLIP IT AND REVERSE IT!
But seriously…For you to understand WHAT I am doing and WHY I am doing it, I highly suggest you visit my YouTube Channel HERE and catch up on my vlogs. I’m not some crazy amazing daily vlogger (though I did a daily vlog for like 22 days and I in turn hated my phone and iMovie for a few weeks..I digress.) NONETHELESS, I try to share a video weekly and sometimes I get behind because #GIRLBOSSLIFE ….Jk it’s more like #momlife #wifelife and #keepmyshittogetherasbesticanlife. Real talk! But anyways, check out my YT channel if you want to understand who I am and what I do.
Back to confession time. So this week is hmmmm like week 13 I think of this “prep” or “cut”…whatever you want to call it. And before you ponder.. NO I don’t have a bodybuilding show scheduled. I’m doing this purely to see how far I can push my body and mind as well as see what body type I end up with so that I can POSSIBLY do a natural show in October. All loosely tentative and I mean LOOSELY.
So this week…has been by far the HARDEST, I feel. Between balancing mom life, wife life, meal prepping, my workouts, self care, managing my stress levels, meditating, a child whom is sick CONSTANTLY, my one on one clients, my group clients, my social media (honestly my business as a whole) and maintaining an active online presence, I FELT DEFEATED this week. To the naked eye…or rather I say, to the Instagram viewer, my life can look pretty dang easy. In fact, the terms/phrases I often hear are “You got it made.”, “Must be nice to work from home”, “You must have so much freedom”, “Working from home must be fun”, or the ever so assuming “So you work from your couch in your Pj’s all day?”…….. <Insert eye roll emoji> .
While I would LOVE to go into detail about what it’s REALLY like being a work from home mom who also is a stay at home mom, we will save that for a different Girl Boss confession time.
SO. This week has been difficult, to say the least… And boyyyyy have I felt the Binge urges BAD. (again, if you are new here, I’m a recovering binge eater). Aside from the binge urges, my body image has been down right SHIT. Body dysmorphia has reared its ugly head more than a time or two this week. My coach (yes, I’m a coach who has a coach because I’m human and need support too) had me put away the scale for the week and banned me from testing ketones, glucose, breath AND I was also banned from taking progress pics. Which if you know anything about body dysmorphia, you know that pictures are one way to stay sane. You can compare previous weeks to your current composition and in turn, makes you feel hella better (most days). But this week…I haven’t done a single comparison. AND I’M DYING….
Okay that is exaggerating a tad… but when I walk past a mirror or see a photo of myself, I go into panic mode. Wanting to stop and knit pick myself for a few quick seconds. Wanting to see if my arms look smaller or my waist looks tighter. Wanting to see SOMETHING. Some glimmer of progress. Something to encourage me….
Along with all the normal stressors of my day to day with home, business, diet and such… I received yet another NASTY email from someone who inquired about my services BUT because she didn’t get an IMMEDIATE response, she decided to let me have it. This happened mid week…on a day I was actually feeling pretty good. I had met up for coffee with two fellow Keto peeps and really just had a great time. Was in a fabulous mood and then BOOM…that email instantly shot me down. And you may not be aware but when you put yourself out there into the social media space…when you open your life up for people to peep in… when you share the slightest bit of vulnerability with the world, it makes you an EASY target for those who are LOOKING FOR A FIGHT. I was reminded of this quickly when I reached out to a mentor of mine. There are people out there scouring the Internet for someone to engage with in a negative way. Someone to place blame on. And sadly, I was that for this human.
I recovered from that event….but was still affected mentally by it nonetheless. Just another piece chipped away at my self esteem to add to the weekly count. The following day I woke up, worked out and felt in control for the first time all week. I made self care a priority (working out and getting myself dressed, doing my make up and hair). I find that the acts of self care are key when I’m feeling super down on myself. I talk alot about this on social media but never fear, I’ll share more about self care on future girl boss confession blog posts.
AND THEN IT HIT ME….The cravings. You see…My cycle is due to start at the end of this week. So ON TOP of everything I’ve been dealing with and experiencing… my senses and emotions are heightened (as well as the dreaded bloating) because of this evil monthly visitor. Now, I know better. I truly do. I’m 100% aware of my body, my urges and how to be in control of them. It’s taken time, practice and tons of patience but I feel I have (mostly) mastered being in control when this time of the month hits. BUT…this week I gave in…
I didn’t “binge”…I didn’t (totally) over eat on my macros…however I did give into a craving that I’ve been avoiding on purpose for gut healing and what not. I ate a SALAD (gasp)… Wait… Lauren…salads are keto approved. What are you talking about?
Okay okay okay….so I might should confess that for the past 3 weeks I’ve actually taken a more carnivore approach with my eating. And yeah, if you just returned from my YouTube channel and caught up on my Carnivore experiment, you’re probably scratching your head going SAY WHHHHAAATT? Lol… Let me explain.
My macros are super low…and my carbs are at 10 total grams. And while I CAN fit in a salad or a veggie here and there, I have opted to just nix them altogether for gut health and bloating sake. My macro ratios are also PERFECT compared to what I experienced on my last carnivore endeavor… I just didn’t have the correct approach back then (I assume). And I’d like to add that my mood/ skin has improved quite a bit since doing so. All around win so far!
BUT…I gave into my craving this week. I ate a HUGE salad. And boyyy was it good. It was delicious…it was amazing. Until I came to the end of it and realized just how bloated I already was. I felt HORRENDOUS the rest of the night and into the next day. And aside from the physical pains….I emotionally was a wreck.
I contacted my coach first thing and let it all flow. My reservations, my disappointments in my self, the failure I felt I had for myself and for him. Word vomit as I blew up his Insta DM in true freak out fashion. And once the word vomit was over…once my fingers stopped the frantic taping to form words on the screen. I let out a huge sigh of relief. I felt SO much better (though still upset and disappointed) by just letting it all come out. If you take away NOTHING from this confession, take away this: HOLDING IT IN WILL NOT HEAL YOU. HIDING YOUR FAILURES WILL GET YOU NO WHERE.
You see, this is why I love coaching. This is why I also love having a coach and I am NOT afraid to admit that sometimes even COACHES NEED COACHES. My entire weight loss journey, I didn’t enlist a coach. I refused help. I did it all myself. Not because I WANTED TO. But because I was scared….I was too proud. I didn’t want to admit that I may be doing something wrong. I didn’t want to admit that I needing another person to keep me on track. I was STUPID…
One thing I’ve learned over the course of my own journey and even the road to becoming a coach myself was that there are people out there to help you for a reason. Having HELP does not make you weak. Enlisting someone to keep you accountable isn’t at all failure on your part. In fact, how encouraging is it to know that the person you hired (depending on the “coach” because we all know there are some imposters out there) wants to see you hit your goals just as much as you do and PROBABLY MORE than you want for yourself! Cool, right?
When a client comes to me with their goals…their hopes..their ambitions. I write them down and take them into my heart. I adopt my clients’ goals as my own. And I always ensure I will do everything in MY power to see/help them succeed. After all, that’s what you enlist help for, right? You want someone in your corner. To help push you through your toughest points. To encourage you that you CAN achieve what you desire as long as you set your mind to it.
There is noting like having a strong support system. Whether you have strong support within your family or you seek support through external sources such as a coach…Support is what gets you through the TOUGHEST points in your journey. And I am beyond thankful for the support I have at home, through my coach and through the tight knit keto community I’m so proud to be apart of on social media.
So to conclude this confessional…I hope, maybe, in some way…you see that we all have weakness’ but they don’t make us weak. We all cave at some point..but that doesn’t make us unsuccessful. We ALL struggle…but that doesn’t mean we have to do it alone.
Reach out to someone. If not me, SOME ONE. Remember… Everybody Needs Somebody…atleast… that’s what the Blues Brothers taught me.
And Yeah..I’m 26 and know who they are 🙂